I have been getting brutalized by Texans who got their feelings hurt by the headline on Sunday’s Side Streets column:
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The headline was a riff on one of the oldest jokes in Colorado — how Texans flock to Colorado and you can always spot them by the way they drive.
(They swerve all over the road because they are used to dodging armadillos sleeping in the middle of all their highways!)
The column was about the proliferation of vacation home rentals and how Colorado Springs has decided not to regulate them. The result is that your neighborhood rental could become a vacation home for tourists. Of course, that means Texans, right?
It was a harmless reference, so I thought. Wrong.
Some readers OUTRAGED!
One actually called City Hall demanding: “All y’ all butter dew sumpen ’bout that Gah-zette!”
OK, I made up the quote. But the call to City Hall actually happened.
So I did what anyone would do . . . I googled Texas to see if others make fun of the Lone Star State or if I was off base.
Turns out the web is filled with Texas jokes. There’s an entire Facebook page devoted to slamming Texas! Who knew? (Actually, it’s way too harsh for my taste.)
Then a colleague suggested I should hold a little contest. Let readers offer their own Texas jokes.
A few folks posted their own Texas jokes in the comment section.
Here’s one from kmancos:
“Heh, reminds me of standing in a lift line at Breck. You could tell the Texans from the locals because us locals had 501′s with scotch guard, and the Texans had the latest ski suits. My friend said “What’s up with all of these Texans?” and I said “I don’t know, I just hope that they ski better than they drive.”
I like that one. Guess they just can’t stop dodging armadillos!
Anyway, I’m inviting everyone to offer their own Texas jokes.
I’ll get things started with this one:
Ever hear about the Olympic athlete from Texas who was so proud of the gold medal he won that he went and had it bronzed?
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Additionally, we always used to laugh at the Texans with their Longhorn Starter jackets. There is nothing worse than Texans on the slopes!
They also like to carry around what we called “Texas Suitcases” where they take their skis and carry them around by the straps of the poles.
Not really jokes, per se, but still, it’s easy to spot (and hear) a Texan from a mile away.
HEYYYY Y’ALLLLL!!!!
We in Texas take great delight in making fun of ourselves I think out of self defense in that everybody else is doing it! I mean, where else do you have so many crooked politicians that when they die, we just screw them into the ground? The key point: Why local civic types going to Austin to see how to run a city? Coming back and doing nothing?
Bill, when you find yourself in a hole, you ought to stop diggin’.
How do you get to Texas from Colorado? Go South until you smell BS, then go East until you step in it.
It wasn’t a joke Bill. It was a bigoted, small minded jab at people that don’t
even think about this little garbage dump. Typical Colorado Springs attitude.
Something I remember from the military. A Texan was constantly going on about how great and big Texas was.
Finally a guy pipes up. “I’m from Alaska. If they cut Alaska in half, they’d both be bigger than Texas.”
Well, Texans are worth Something. We Coloradoan’s kicked all the Texans out of New Mexico during the Civil War when they tried to invade Colorado to capture all its gold, Now they bring money rather than guns.
Well shucks, I grew up down in Texas, spent 36 years thar. We dew talk purdy damn funnee, but what than hay. Keppem jokesah comin’. We needa good laugh these days! With oil runnin over ahunderd bucks abarrel I don’t know WHAT we’re gonna dew with all that money. Thank y’all !
Two Longhorn football players were down on 6th street partying up a storm.
They were hootin’, hollerin’ and yee hawin’ when the bartender asked them why
they were celebrating. The smart one said proudly that they had just finished
a jigsaw puzzle and it only took two months.
“Two months!?” exclaimed the bartender. “To complete a simple puzzle?”
The Texan replied, “Yeah, but the box said 4-6 years.”
Q: Why do University of Houston grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.
Q: Did you hear about the fire in University of Texas’s football dorm that destroyed 20 books?
A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn’t been colored yet.
Q: What does the average Texan get on his SAT?
A: Drool.
Texans were throwing sticks dynamite at folks in New Mexico. The New Mexico folks lit them and threw them back.
Q: How do we know that the toothbrush was invented in Texas?
A: Because if it were invented anywhere else it would be called a teethbrush.
Don’t mess with Texas.
It’s not nice to pick on retards.
If the Good Lord had wanted Texans to ski he woulda make BS white!!
A Texan was trying to impress an Arkansas feller with the size of his ranch: “I can git into my truck at sunrise, and by noon, I won’t be halfway acrost my propperty.”
Said the Arkie, “Yep, I know whatcha mean; I had a truck like that myself one time.”
What’s the best thing to come out of Texas?
Interstate 35.
May 30th
Just moved to Texas. Now this is a state that knows how to live! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I’ve finally found my home. I love it here.
June 14th
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air conditioned home, drive an air conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I’m turning into a real sun worshipper.
June 30th
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th
The temperature hasn’t been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it’s a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected.
July 15th
Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.
July 20th
I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and shit. No more pets in this heat!
July 25th
Dry #@*&$!% heat, my ass. Hot is hot!! The home air conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 30th
Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1,500 in damn house payments and we can’t even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
Aug 4th
115 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $1,200
and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid repairman peed in my pool. I hate this #@*&$!% state.
Aug 8th
If another wise ass cracks, “Hot enough for you today?” I’m going to tear his #@*&$!% throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like Roasted Garfield!!
Aug 10th
The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny. It’s been too hot to #@*& for two damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn’t it ever rain in this barren damn desert?
Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the #@*&$!% pool. Even a cactus can’t live in this heat.
Aug. 14th
Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the #@*&$!% windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, “Hot enough for you today?” My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.
Aug. 30th
Worst day of the damn summer. I’m not leaving the house. The #@*&$!% monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell. The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in Mexico with its new $500 windshield. Maybe it will wash out that dead cat smell.
That does it, we’re moving to Michigan for some peace and quiet.
Going by Vogrin’s logic if people were jumping off a cliff he’d fall right in line and over the edge.
Q: Why do you always get better gas mileage driving to Texas than from Texas?
A: Because Texas SUCKS!
Every time I left Texas for a vacation in Colorado, the average IQ of both states went down.
Did you hear about the Texas Great Wall Society? They want to build a wall 20 feet high around the entire state to protect it.
Colorado voted to kick in the first $50,000.
AHAHAHAHAHA!
What do you call a Texan who moved to Colorado? A cotex!
For what’s it’s worth, this used to be Texas. Look at the old maps from the late 1800′s. Pikes Peak was in Texas and I believe where Denver is used to be included in Oregon.
I’m sure there are plenty of old families who have been here since then probably had great greats that were Texans.
As for the Breckenridge Joke, I had a realtor up there tell me that Breck would die if Texans quit coming.